WAS NOT THINKING - WHEN TESTED

WAS NOT THINKING - WHEN TESTED  - FAITH CAN BE STRENGTHENED

I was not thinking that when we are tested, our faith is strengthened. I was not thinking apparently that when I have a problem like doubts and resentments, I need to take them to the Lord like I was with the urge to smoke.  I do not know if anger makes you blind like they say love is blind. 

Maybe anger is blind also. Or was that anger just a great excuse to take up smoking again. It was the church’s influence that led me to quit. I knew the church really hated smoking.  

Unconsciously, maybe my starting to smoke again may have been a perfect way to get back at the church for deserting me after my baptism. I did not understand spiritually until later that I was meant to face those temptations and difficulties on my own, so I would turn to the Lord.  

MY SECOND HUSBAND HAD A LIFETIME OF ANGER WITHIN

My second husband had a lifetime of anger within him. Even though a lot of his anger had been expressed over the years, it never fully dissipated.  I think there was unresolved anger attached to so many aspects of his life that it was always just under the surface.

I HAD BEEN BAPTIZED THEN - BUT DID NOT KNOW

I HAD BEEN BAPTIZED THEN - BUT DID NOT KNOW - WHAT WOULD FOLLOW

I had been baptized during that time, but I did not know what would follow.  It makes me feel like a really poor Christian like they are described in the Bible. After Baptism, it seemed to me like I went through 30-45 days of temptation in the desert like Jesus had. Somehow circumstances left me alone and being attacked. It found my anger. 

Satan said I was just used, and I would not hear from anyone now that they had gotten me baptized.  It would be on to the next new person. 

Doubts and resentments grew as I felt so abandoned. 

Feeling abandoned is generally followed by feeling used and abused. I usually find myself feeling that way when I feel like I am on the bottom under a pile of stuff!