WAS NOT THINKING - WHEN TESTED

WAS NOT THINKING - WHEN TESTED  - FAITH CAN BE STRENGTHENED

I was not thinking that when we are tested, our faith is strengthened. I was not thinking apparently that when I have a problem like doubts and resentments, I need to take them to the Lord like I was with the urge to smoke.  I do not know if anger makes you blind like they say love is blind. 

Maybe anger is blind also. Or was that anger just a great excuse to take up smoking again. It was the church’s influence that led me to quit. I knew the church really hated smoking.  

Unconsciously, maybe my starting to smoke again may have been a perfect way to get back at the church for deserting me after my baptism. I did not understand spiritually until later that I was meant to face those temptations and difficulties on my own, so I would turn to the Lord.  

MY SECOND HUSBAND HAD A LIFETIME OF ANGER WITHIN

My second husband had a lifetime of anger within him. Even though a lot of his anger had been expressed over the years, it never fully dissipated.  I think there was unresolved anger attached to so many aspects of his life that it was always just under the surface.

I HAD BEEN BAPTIZED THEN - BUT DID NOT KNOW

I HAD BEEN BAPTIZED THEN - BUT DID NOT KNOW - WHAT WOULD FOLLOW

I had been baptized during that time, but I did not know what would follow.  It makes me feel like a really poor Christian like they are described in the Bible. After Baptism, it seemed to me like I went through 30-45 days of temptation in the desert like Jesus had. Somehow circumstances left me alone and being attacked. It found my anger. 

Satan said I was just used, and I would not hear from anyone now that they had gotten me baptized.  It would be on to the next new person. 

Doubts and resentments grew as I felt so abandoned. 

Feeling abandoned is generally followed by feeling used and abused. I usually find myself feeling that way when I feel like I am on the bottom under a pile of stuff!  

I HAVE LEARNED - SATAN DEFEATS ME

I HAVE LEARNED  -  SATAN CAN DEFEAT ME - USING MY ANGER

My first recollection of that happening was nine months after I gave my cigarettes over to the Lord. It was a Quit Cold Turkey quit at the end of a week long Quit Smoking Session at my church. It was probably the best possible way for me to quit smoking. It was like an unspoken pact between me and the Lord. 

When things got really difficult and could be tempting, I called upon the Lord, and He brought me through it without pain.  He knows I do not handle pain very well either. 

Satan apparently did not like my success, so he started weaving his lies and piling up anger within me until I grabbed those cigarettes again. 

IF LORD JESUS WAS NOT IN MY HEART – I’D BE DEAD BY SUICIDE BY NOW

IF LORD JESUS WAS NOT IN MY HEART – I’D BE DEAD BY SUICIDE BY NOW

If the Lord Jesus was not in my heart, I would be dead by suicide by now.  Sometimes the frustrations in our lives never seem to end.  Even when we are homebound and do not go out, life still involves frustrations.  There is nowhere to get away from them – not even in our home.  Jesus said, “Take up your cross and follow Me”.

Whatever our frustrations are, they are our cross. No one’s life is without difficulty.  In the book The Road Less Traveled the first words say something like Life is Difficult and once we accept that, it gets a whole lot easier. Accepting that life is difficult is the hard part.

CLUES IN MY LIFE SEEM TO INDICATE 

I HAVE A LOT OF STUFFED ANGER

All the clues in my life right now seem to indicate that I have a lot of stuffed anger that I need to deal with and resolve. That is a hard task for someone who has not had a lot of practice with expressing anger. Since I trained my mind not to store much personal information, I am not sure how many upsetting memories I am going to recall.  

If you cannot remember the incident, how can you pull up the anger to resolve it?  I honestly do not know, but I am definitely going to try.